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If Dog's Could Talk, What would they say?

Posted by Chris Crandall on

A humorous look into the mind of a dog.

 

Wendi Tibbets,wrote:
"As a Boxer, I think I may suffer from an identity crisis. I feel like I have a Chihuahua trapped inside my body just waiting to come out. What should I do?"

I have always been on the "dainty" side of 80 lbs. I'm a very big boy who watches my other Boxer friends rolling in the mud, have drooling contests and laughing whenever they can produce the biggest, smelliest farts. When participating in these activities I feel I am merely the pantomime in an otherwise gesture life. 
On the other paw, my lady's best friend has a wonderful little  Chihuahua called "Tiny" who is the coolest little dude I know. He is always clean. He doesn't like wallowing in the mud. He never drools. His manners are impeccable. When he passes wind you can barely hear it. It's a gentle, "Whoooooo" followed by the loveliest fragrance. It smells like chicken! He even wears the cutest clothes. Just like our people! He eats one single kibble at a time. I really try so hard to do the same but cannot contain myself. I get to number three then scarf down the rest. Sometimes it gives me "Boxer Belly." Sometimes I barf it right back out. 
Once, Lady stepped in it and yelled really loudly.
It hurt my feelings.
I really want to be like him. I want to be like "Tiny". I try my best to make myself small and act like him. I crawl into Lady's lap for a snuggle but she pushes me off and pretends I am squishing her and I'm too heavy. This hurts my feelings. 
I'm just a little bitty doggie living inside a big doggie body, I can't escape my body and I can't escape my mind. Any trolls who wish to pick on me: I have a bone to pick with you. I don't need your negative comments. Any other comments more than welcome. Afterall....it's a dog eat dog world out here.  I'm just trying to get by.

What would your dog say if he/she could talk? 


'I just swallowed a whole mango (with the seed), what do I do? what do I do? Will I have a mango tree on my tummy? Will it grow inside? Yum!'
'Is chocolate bad for me?! Danny shared a bit of his chocolate and it's yummy I had to ate the whole thing when he left it on the kitchen counter (his fault!), the wrapper is yummy too! Ooofh!"
'I'm a petite 2 years old ciwuawuah. When I bark the people laugh at me (those cunning people!), what should I do so my bark is more scary?'
'I ate my poop this morning, still healthy. Just letting you know.'

Renato de Angelis wrote these suggestions:
  • Who’s really a good boy?
  • How can I fetch sticks better?
  • I’m four years old. Is it too late for me to be a professional agility dog?
  • How do I make sure that I get into the best obedience training classes?
  • I’m a seven-year-old pug. Is it healthy for me to only eat peanut butter?
  • A bitch that I see on my morning walks looks at me every day. What does this mean?
  • What is the most fashionable leash for a lab living in Portland?
  • Who would win in a fight, a 22-pound beagle with a week of preparation or a 160-pound St. Bernard with no prep time?
  • What does Snoopy think about puppy mills?
  • Why are all chihuahuas criminals?
  1. Why do some humans talk to me in a baby voice?
  2. Why should I fetch those sticks & balls that humans throw away?
  3. What are some tips to bark in high pitch?
  4. Is eating toilet paper good for my health?
  5. How to control my hunger? I eat stuff that I’m not supposed to eat.
  6. Which shoes are the best to chew?
  7. What are some best ways to impress a female chihuahua?
  8. I am a lazy doggie. How can I convince my hoomans that I need to be carried everywhere?
  9. I am the prettiest dog in da world. How do I stop my hoomans from petting oder doggies and telling them they is pretty?
  10. How can I make my hoomans understand that chicken and cheez-it's is a normal doggie diet, and I cannot eat anything else?
  11. Why doesn’t the doggie upstairs want to play wif me?
  12. I am a God and need to be worshipped. Why don’t my hoomans spend all day cuddling and petting me?
  13. How can I convince my hoomans that we need to bring the couch to the park so we can live there? I wants to runs all day, but still sleep on the couch.
  14. Why is my hoomans so stoopid? Are all hoomans this stoopid, or are they just special?
  15. Is that a treat? Can I eat it? It looks like I can eat it. Give it to me! Now! Now! Now!
And Also:
  1.  What's that? Did you see that? I saw that! It moved! It moved! 
  2. Scratch my ear. No, not there. There! There! There! Ahhhhhhh ohhhhhhh, yesssssssss.
  3. Will you rub my belly?
  4. Do cats exist?
  5. Is cat a legitimate identity?
  6. If I lick myself five times a day will I go blind?
  7. Why do dead earthworms smell so awesome?
  8. Can humans be trained to do tricks?
  9. What is the easiest way to make a human stop talking? (If it is my dog, he lays on my face)
  10. Why do humans stare at little rectangular objects when they could be petting me?
  11. Is it considered rude to poop on the neighbor dog’s lawn and then kick with my back legs furiously?
  12. Why are people so prejudiced against me because I am a Pitt Bull?
  13. Why do people hate black dogs? (They are the last to get adopted in shelters)
  14. Why does my dad not read my mind when I stare at him thinking treat, treat, treat?
  15. Why doesn't every human stop what they are doing to tell me that I am the absolutely cutest little dog in the whole wide world?
  and.......
  • How can I get my owner to walk me more?
  • Yesterday I wriggled under the fence and went for a run. Today when I tried, I felt a sharp tingling pain when I touched the fence. What happened, and is there anything I can do about it?
  • There’s a cat who lives in the house. I really like her, but she doesn’t seem to like me. How can I get her to like me back?
  • I was neutered as a puppy, why?
  • Why do the humans take my toys away just when I’ve gnawed them down to easily swallowed bits?
  • When my owners embrace, it looks like so much fun that I want to play too. But they always tell me “no!” and push me away?
  • Who is a good boy? Will we ever know?
 
  Humm...
How do cats live with the existential sense that they lack souls and are inferior to dogs in every way?
Who would win in a fight, Rin Tin Tin or Lassie?
How do I stop my pet humans from doing “it” doggy style in front of my puppies?
Is it just a coincidence that dog spelled backwards is god? I think not!
Doesn’t the fact that humans walk behind us, picking up our poop, prove that dogs are superior to people?
How can I ever trust my humans again now that I know they had my balls cut off?
Are humans jealous because we can lick ourselves in places they can’t reach?
Why are four legs better than two?
If humans had retained their tail, how different would our life have been?

  • I’m on the Internet; does anybody know I’m a dog?
  • Why did the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog?
  • I sleep 20 hours a day, but still wake up tired. What am I doing wrong?
  • I’m adopted. How can I find my birth parents?
  • What are the attributes of a really great dog park?
  • How can I become a private investigator like Scooby Doo?
  • My friend Toto told me that he had been “over the rainbow.” What does this mean?
  • How can I get a more effective agent? All I’m getting are bit parts, but I want something I can really sink my teeth into.
  • How can I rekindle my old enthusiasm for chasing squirrels? The thrill is gone.
  • How can I get my ex to take responsibility for the puppies?
  • What are some good lines that will work with the ladies? After the initial butt sniff, I’m at a loss for a good conversation starter.
  • Relationships: I have a big crush on a Chinese Crested. I’m a Chihuahua. Are we doomed to a constant culture clash?
  • How can I get rid of that “spare tire” around my middle? I only eat kibble.
  • What the best way to get rid of dog breath?
  • How do I get rid of stretch marks? I just had 8 puppies.
  • Who would win a fight between Rin Tin Tin and Lassie?
  • How do I get rid of fleas?
  • Does speed barking work? Is it better than the slow bark?
  • What can I learn in 10 minutes that will be useful for the rest of my life?
  • How can I cure my “fenced-in syndrome”?
  • How much is that doggie in the window?
 Thanks to Quora for this article

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